044: Independence Jul04

044: Independence

http://media.blubrry.com/gcoyl/p/media.medeor.co/gcoyl/44-Independence_Dependence.mp3Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 37:25 — 34.3MB)As The United States of America celebrates its birthday, Jack Woloshun & Dr. Deb thought it a good time to discuss various types of dependence and independence we have in relationships. Related articles: Independence (companion article) Crap Do You Need A Life Coach? Mentioned by Jack: Book by Dr. Caroline Leaf: Think and Eat Yourself Smart: A Neuroscientific Approach to a Sharper Mind and Healthier...

Independence

As The United States celebrates its Independence Day, I thought it fitting to consider various forms of dependency. Dependence is defined as the state of needing something or someone else. Like it or not, we are dependent on each other for all kinds of things. We need acceptance, love and affection from others because we are social beings. A newborn child left alone without touch will die. We are dependent on each other to follow socially accepted behavior like stopping at red lights and contributing to common things like roads and schools. In relationships, we are dependent on each other to be there to share the workload, make a meaningful contribution and live up to our commitments. Healthy dependence is a really, really positive thing. Independence is freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others. When the 13 American colonies were no longer satisfied with British rule (and taxation without representation), they sought a divorce. It’s not unlike the recent decision by Britain to pull out of the European Union to preserve its sovereignty. It’s not unlike states in human development. Two that come to mind are the terrible twos. I think the twos are called terrible because children seek independence from their parents and other caretakers because they are coming into their own. They are clumsy and awkward, but they are determined to get around! Unfortunately, they don’t yet recognize the limits of social and character boundaries, so tend to severely test those around them. The other significant stage of finding independence IS, of course, during the teenage years. Children are transitioning to adulthood with changing bodies, increased responsibilities and fewer apron strings. Yet their raging hormones and lack of fully developed prefrontal cortexes (decision-making that fully grasps consequences)...

Ugly Duckling

We have all felt like ugly ducklings, misfits, fish out of water, ugly stepchildren; use the analogy that works for you. We’ve all known rejection, the struggle to fit in, the desire for unconditional love. These are the themes in Hans Christian Andersen’s story, The Ugly Duckling. Take a moment to watch the classic 1939 Disney animated version, or read the original story. All our stories are similar yet different. Despite being born into a loving home, I grew up thinking of myself as an ugly duckling. A handful of life events were devastating. My first grade teacher actually told me I was stupid. Kids made fun of my looks in middle school. I even had a boyfriend who begged me to let him see me without makeup, then laughed hysterically when I did. These are not the kind of events that make us into healthy, happy, well adjusted individuals with appropriate levels of self-esteem. You have your own stories, your own memories, your own pain. In the story of the ugly duckling, we find a creature that was born happy and healthy. The pain he endured was the result of rejection, not fitting in, and being misplaced. He was not a duck at all, but rather a graceful and beautiful swan that was hatched in the wrong place. We all have to work through our crap. We have to do the hard work of the soul to regain our true selves and find out place. We have to come to a place where the past no longer defines us. I will never forget the day that I realized I was not stupid or ugly. It was a lightbulb moment when my world changed. It was also a milestone in a season of tremensous personal...

What took me so long?...

Did you ever do anything, and then wonder why it took you so long? I’ve lived near the Rocky Mountains for almost 20 years; I’ve wanted to go camping—real camping—for most of that time. This weekend I finally did it! Now that I’ve done it, I realized doing it the first time wasn’t such a big deal, and doing it again will be much easier! I’m over the first-time hurdle! It did take a few things to fall in place. I needed someone to go with. I could go camping with just my dogs, but going with a friend who also wanted to go was a real help in organizing and also feeling safe. Resources. There is all the camping gear you need. Another friend gave me her old camping cooking stuff (pots, dishes, etc.) plus a water container and lantern. This was a huge help; guess I didn’t even know where to start before that. After that, I picked up a very warm sleeping bag and tent on sale for really cheap. Watching for sales and bargains is key if your income is limited like mine. Learn from others. I got online to find camping packing lists to figure out all the stuff we needed to have on hand. Why reinvent the wheel when you can learn from others? My experience did have to have a convergence of several things. These are likely things you need to do what thing you’ve wanted to do for so long. Vision: Picture yourself doing it. Desire: Want it enough to put in the effort, including planning and putting together what you need. Resources: Get creative. Watch sales, borrow, think about how to re-purpose what you have. Time: Take time. You will need to carve out time to...

You Can Do It!

I did it! My fancy automatic espresso machine was jacked; it seemed to have a problem, and I couldn’t figure out if it was mechanical or electrical. Turns out, it was neither. It was coffee; stuck coffee. Yup, the thing they don’t tell you (up front) when you get one of these complicated systems is the kind of regular and periodic maintenance you need to perform. But I fixed it! What motivated me was not wanting to ship the machine back to Seattle where it was purchased. Besides, I had just thrown out the box (after almost 6 months)! So I educated myself. I did online searches to find articles and videos to solve my problem. Then I performed the surgery. And did I mention I fixed it?!! Some things are not worth our time (if you can afford an alternative). And some things are above our skill level (like fixing my garage’s concrete foundation). Other things are just a matter of researching and believing in ourselves. You have incredible value because you’re made in God’s image. That’s not an issue. True self-esteem comes with doing a job well done. It grows when we stretch ourselves and accomplish things we didn’t know were in us. It comes from fixing your fancy coffee machine, forgiving, or rising to some other challenge. We are our own worst enemies because we doubt ourselves. We have to rewire our brains to believe what others (especially God) see in us. Now go do that thing you need to do. You can do it!   Royalty-free image by Borb Krisztin; retrieved...

Self-Esteem

by Daniel Jernejcic Daniel was a student in one of interpersonal communication classes. He has Asperger’s Syndrome, a condition that makes it challenging for him to concentrate, remember, socialize and communicate. Daniel is very bright. But because of his disorder, he often feels like a failure. His final project was this presentation on self-esteem. Here’s to all the Daniels of the world and all of us who struggle with a healthy personal perspective. Self-esteem refers to a person’s belief in themselves. High self-esteem is the ideal frame of mind a person needs to be happy. Having good self-esteem gives you more energy and makes you more productive in all matters, not just involving work, but in all facets of life. Good self-esteem allows you to do things you thought were impossible. There are many ways to raise your self-esteem. Taking pride in your personal appearance is one way. For instance, you can work out at home or at a gym. Another way is to take part in an activity or activities you know you’re good at. Poor self-esteem can lead to many problems, such as depression, inactivity, or even suicidal thoughts. Self-destructive thoughts are the killer of good self-esteem, and the first step to counteracting them is to be conscious of when they are happening. The first manifestations often come in the form of tearing yourself down—thoughts like, “you’re worthless,” or “you’re simply not good enough.” Comedian Christopher Titus once referred to that voice as, “your inner idiot.” It’s a voice that contradicts every good thought you think of yourself. When you find yourself thinking something good about yourself, pay attention for signs of follow-up thoughts that negatively contradict it. It’s important to quickly counter self-destructive thoughts. One way is to immediately counter it...